We are delighted to welcome back author D.M. Barr to Omnimystery News.
Last week we talked about D.M.'s new cross-over thriller Expired Listings (Punctuated Publishing; September 2016 trade paperback and ebook formats) and today we're so pleased that she agreed to share a section from it with us. This is an excerpt from later in the novel, where Dana is remembering how she first told her best friend, confidant and colleague Endicott how she was planning to come to Rock Canyon to sell real estate. Some slight changes have been made from the original for clarity and to avoid giving away any spoilers.
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YOU? REAL ESTATE? I DON'T THINK SO."
Two days later, Dana and Endicott were sitting at the Gresham Café, sharing afternoon tea, as he expressed incredulity over her newly chosen career. She doused her scone with an unhealthy helping of strawberry jam and clotted cream, burying fears of leaving Gresham, her adopted hometown, in an avalanche of sugar.
"Oh please, Endie. You could be a little more supportive."
"Oh, I love it. You and me, working side by side. Knocking each other out of deals.
Bludgeoning each other's reputation. It's a terrific idea!"
"I don't plan to be that kind of real estate agent."
"No one does. It evolves naturally. Like apes into humans. Only in reverse." "I can do this. I know I can. And still look myself in the mirror in the morning."
"Uh huh. Whose mirror will that be? The one in the empty listing you'll be sleeping in with your lover?"
"I knew I shouldn't have told you about that. Endie, no one's going to be hurt by my 'borrowing' their overpriced home. Especially if I'm pricing it according to their demands. And hey, I can't exactly have him come to my house, can I? Especially now that we'll be living in the same town. He's known, after all."
"Where are you moving to, anyway? In with Sis? Or Mommy dearest?"
"No way. Melanie asked, but I think that would be an awful idea. No, I found a small studio over on Grant. Very simple. Cheap."
"And what about the Gresham house? You adore that place."
"I'm going to rent it out. I know how much you love that daily commute. Maybe I should get a two-bedroom in Rock Canyon instead. Then you could move in with me."
"Grayson would just love that. You're not exactly number one on his hit parade these day, you know."
"I don't understand why he dislikes me so."
"He's very possessive. You're in my life and he doesn't like sharing. The fact that you came first doesn't seem to make a difference. Now that our little joint project is over, he has no more use for you."
Endie reached over and tugged on her hair. "But you'll always be my little Daney Waney Subby
Sub."
She rolled her eyes and swatted him off.
"I hate when you call me that."
"I know. Especially when you're the least submissive person I know. That's why I'll say it twice today."
She mock-punched him in the shoulder.
"I think we can make this happen. Working together could be fun."
"I know you think that. Your naivety is adorable. Really. Have you thought about the elephant in the room?"
"What's that?"
"You. Your face, your picture, Little Ms. Whips and Trips, going up on signs all around town. Won't your pervy friends out you to the world?"
"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Scene people keep to themselves. They respect each other's privacy. After all, if they outed someone, wouldn't they be outing themselves in the process? No, I'm more worried about you and all these other agents screwing me out of potential deals. Would you really do that?"
"Every chance I get, baby, but don't worry. I may throw you a bone or two while you're starting out."
"Gee, thanks"
"De nada, girl, this is Darwin Country. Survival of the Fittest. Watch your back, never mention details of a deal to anyone, and never take anything at face value. Remember, buyers are liars and sellers are storytellers."
"But I don't get it. I'm there to help them, aren't I? How can I do that when they're lying to me?"
"They mostly want to help themselves. They don't really believe they need you. They think they know everything, and you know nothing. They'll try to screw you at every turn, so they don't have to pay you a penny more than necessary."
"Lovely. Sheesh, you make it sound like working in real estate would be like swimming in the Amazon with a school of piranha."
"You'd be lucky if they were only piranhas. Selling real estate in Rock Canyon is much more like swimming with the candiru."
"The what?" Endie, the trivia buff, never missed an opportunity to remind her about how much minutiae he knew.
"The candiru. They're tiny Amazon parasitic catfish that either swim into the gills of other fish and eat them from the inside out, or swim up the urethra or anus of humans, who later die from the infection caused by the fish rotting inside them."
"I'll show you, Endicott Coxwell. I'll prove I can swim in the Amazon and avoid the piranhas and candiru."
"If anyone can do it, Dana, my money's on you. But while you're in the water, watch out for the pacu. They'll go after your balls and judging by the size of yours, it'll be like Thanksgiving at the Waltons'."
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Photo provided courtesy of
D.M. Barr
By day, D.M. Barr is a mild-mannered salesperson, wife, mother, rescuer of senior shelter dogs, happily living just north of New York City. By night, she is an author of sex, suspense and satire.
Her background includes stints in travel marketing, travel journalism, meeting planning, public relations and real estate. She was, for a long and happy time, an award-winning magazine writer and editor. Then kids happened. Now they're off doing whatever it is they do (of which she has no idea since they won't friend her on Facebook) and she can spend her spare time weaving tales of debauchery and whatever else tickles her fancy.
For more information about the author, please visit her website and her author page on Goodreads, or find her on Facebook and Twitter.
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Expired Listings by D.M. Barr
A Psychological Thriller
Publisher: Punctuated Publishing
What if people were dying around you and you weren't absolutely sure you weren't their murderer? Someone is 'deactivating' the Realtors in Rock Canyon and almost no one seems to care. Not the surviving brokers, who consider the serial killings a competitive boon. Not the town's residents, who see the murders as a public service. In fact, the only person who's even somewhat alarmed is Dana Black, a kinky, sharp-witted yet emotionally skittish Realtor who has no alibi for the crimes because during each, she believes she was using her empty listings for games like Bondage Bingo with her sadistic lover, Dare. And yet, mysteriously, all clues are pointing her way.
Along with clearing her name and avoiding certain death at the hands of the 'Realtor Retaliator,' Dana has an even bigger problem: she's inadvertently become a person of interest in more ways than one to Aidan Cummings, the sexy albeit vanilla detective investigating the case. While his attentions are tempting, Dana is torn — does she continue her ironically 'safe' but sterile BDSM relationship with Dare, or risk real intimacy with Aidan?
— Expired Listings by D.M. Barr
